What Television Teaches My Children

Before I describe what television has taught my four-year-old, first I need to give everyone a little update: It turns out that we do qualify for our childcare assistance. We are under the income limit by fifty dollars. So, I was able to go back to school this week. Everyone in our family has been very happy about this. I have a very good class schedule, and the kids are back at their wonderful preschool.

Now, about the telly. Over the course of our vacation, my children had plenty of oppurtunities to sit in front of the tube and watch Nick Jr. When we lived in Morgantown, we had digital cable, so our kids could watch their favorite shows on Noggin. I used to get really annoyed by Noggin, because Moose, the entertainment between all of the shows, has a really annoying voice, which happens to be even worse when he sings. We no longer have digital cable, so we have either Nick Jr, the Disney Channel, or PBS to choose from. I now find myself missing that stupid moose.

I stopped turning on the Disney Channel. Have you ever watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Higglytown Heroes? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse makes absolutely no sense, and has no redeeming value whatsoever. The main "hero" in the Higglytown Heroes is a stoner named Pizza Dude. I do like The Wiggles, Handy Manny, and Little Einsteins, but these programs are rarely on.

Yes, I realize that many of you probably are thinking that I am the worst mom ever, because I let my kids sit in front of the TV. I strongly encourage healthy eating and exercise. I don't use the television as a babysitter. But a little TV never killed anyone. I'm certainly not going to tell my kids that they can't watch TV, because I would just be a complete hypocrite - watching TV is my favorite pasttime. And I really do believe that kids can learn something from television. All things in moderation, right?

Now I find that I am missing the fricking Moose, because as annoying as he is, he isn't a commercial. I like the actual shows that are on Nick Jr. much better than the shows on Disney or PBS. I far prefer the off-key singing of Uniqua from the Backyardigans to the rambling of a stoned pizza deliveryman. I think that there is actually something to be learned from most of the shows on Nick Jr. Plus, have you seen Yo Gabba Gabba? I love that show! My kids love to dance because of that show. But Nick Jr. is nothing but commercials, particularly Billy Mays pointing his finger at my kids telling them that they "need to go to the phone right now."

First, Joseph was telling Brad about these things he saw on an infomerical called Carpet Sliders. He told Brad to "put them on his feet and see where the fun will take you." He knows every word to every fast food restaurant jingle and frequently tells us that "batteries aren't included." Ninety-nine, as in $5.99 plus shipping and handling, has become a significant part of my son's vocabulary. Yesterday, we were in Target and Joseph pointed to a sign and out of his mouth came

"Daddy, that sign says 'cheap ninety-nine.' Cheap means that you can buy something for a dollar."

We couldn't do anything but laugh. It was truly hilarious. But, it's not hilarious that kids are being targeted at such a young age. Do they really need to have advertisements for the "Snuggy" on Nick Jr.? Joseph recently told me that he needs a Snuggy because "it's like a blanket with arms." With the financial crisis that our country is battling, doesn't it seem a little ridiculous to be pushing sales pitches on the future of our country before they're in kindergarten? I can definitely see the connection. When you are four years old and someone tells you that "you need to go to the phone and order now," you really think that you need to go to the phone now!

Well I should probably stop there. I don't really feel like starting some philosophical ranting and raving over Billy Mays and his newest way to bleed people dry. But come on Viacom - can't my kids have a party in their tummy without being subjected to finger-pointing and MickeyD's ads?